So here’s my story. My story of how I came to be a “mommy-blogger” and of how Raindrops of Hope has come to be. It will talk of God. It will speak of my faith… Because my God and my Faith are the only thing that has gotten me to the point of writing a blog.
So Here we go…
My fifth pregnancy went well. we planned on him being our last child. It was perfectly planned out so that the kids would be just the right ages apart. Or rather, I had it all planned out perfectly. God, however, had other plans. Plans that, had He run past me, I would have probably “vetoed”. But “God works in mysterious ways”, I am told, and now I understand.
I understand that God being mysterious is there to remind me that I am human…and not God. It’s there to remind me of my smallness and his greatness.
And on a rainy Sunday in April, God decided it was time to remind me of just how in control of my so called “plans” I actually was.
I was 31 weeks pregnant. All had gone “normally” up to this point. I went to the hospital because my baby hadn’t moved in a few hours. “I’m sure it’s alright but we will have you come in and check just to confirm everythings fine” were the words of my doctor. So to the hospital I drove, not bothering to get a babysitter for the littlest one because I was sure we’d be home by dinner time.
Moments later words that will echo within me for decades met my ears. “I’m looking right at his heart and it isnt moving.” My life stopped. Right there. In a hospital room with faceless nurses surrounding me. I really don’t even know how I took another breath. But somehow, I did. In a moment, my “perfect plan” was not only shattered -but buried. And I remember how small I felt in this world. How confused I was by this. My healthy son, gone in a moment.
Of course the “why’s” and “what if’s” soon flooded over me. But answers…there were none.
I sat and watched the rain splatter on my window for the next 20 hours. People came and went, the night settled in and though I couldn’t see the rain, I could hear it. It was the only thing breaking the deafening silence. It rained all through the night and into the next morning.
He was born beautiful and perfect the next morning. Born into my arms, silent and sleeping. Beautiful. Peaceful. Painful beyond words or emotions. Silence echoed in the room the moment he arrived.Only raindrops echoed on the window. It was joyful and yet terrible silence. There would be no miraculous healing of my sweet boy. He was gone from my life and in a place far beyond what I can imagine.
People came to see him, hold him, say hello and goodbye all in a moment. But how do you say goodbye to a little boy we haven’t even barely met? I still don’t have that answer. You just do. Why? Because that’s what you have to. And that is why.
It rained and rained from the day I went in and all through his birthday. Dark skies, clouds, and buckets of raindrops. And then it stopped the next day. And the sun came out.
Little did I know how God would use raindrops to teach me more than a few things in the coming months.