Grief and Loss

Raindrop Blessings

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Laura Story writes a song entitled ” Blessings”,where the lyrics say:

“‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise”

What if…

What if my little boy was really a raindrop blessing? What if something that seems so sad and bring so many tears to my eyes…really is, in some unknown way to me, a merciful blessing? The concept of this seems backwards. Seemingly “Bad” things that are actually gifts, mercies from God?

I have heard many times ” Why would a good God do this? How could He?”

I will be the first to tell you that He is God and I am not. So I don’t have the answers. But as I have thought and prayed on this, I have come to realize that in our humanity, we may never understand his reasoning. But in our eternity, it will all be made clear to us.

 Isaiah 55:9 says “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts”. (NLT)

So why would God ’cause’ my seemingly healthy son to die? Why would I have to go through the pain and suffering of losing a child? Why couldn’t I just hear him cry one time or see what color his eyes were?

Maybe, God was actually saving me from more pain. Maybe he didn’t want my son to have to go through the pain of labor and birth, only to live a few moments. Maybe, he wanted my little boy to only know peace and the safety in my womb. Maybe, he saved my husband and I from having to make the impossible decision to stop life support one day. Maybe God needed me to go through this so that I would lean into Him and not into myself. There are thousands of ‘maybe’s’ that will most likely never be answered on this side of heaven. Bu I know with absolute certainty that God had a reason; and maybe its not up to me to know that reason.

All I know is that ” God is good’, There are over 60 bible verses that talk of His goodness.

One of my favorites is 1 Timothy 4:4  where it says “Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks.” ( NLT)

Since God is good, and wants  His best for me, then I have to trust that Philip’s unplanned, unexpected death…is part of this good plan.  It doesn’t mean I understand it. It doesn’t mean I don’t grieve for him. It doesn’t mean I am not incredibly sad in some moments, or incredibly angry that I must go through this in others. It just gives me perspective and reminds me that somehow….this too is part of His plan for me. His good plan. As it says in 1 Timothy…I must receive this challenge in my life with thanks.

How?

By understanding that maybe God needed me to go through this so that the next 30 (or more) years of my life could be changing lives for Him. I know that through this situation, I have grown in ways that I never would have even though possible. By being thankful for the moment I did have with Philip. Moments to hold him, to see his little fingers and toes and feel them curled around mine. Moments to have pictures taken of our entire family together. A moment where I got to kiss his little forehead hello and goodbye. Many little blessings amidst a great loss.

God is merciful. He didn’t have to provide me those moments. Not so long ago, when a baby was born still, the nurses and doctors whisked him away and the family never even saw the baby. I can only imagine how much more traumatic that would be. To have never even been able to see him, to hold him, to  give him my heart full of love for him.

So, though this is a trial, certainly…maybe there were elements of God’s mercy weaved in throughout this. Maybe the

trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are (His) mercies in disguise.”

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