Today is a hard day. A day that I’d rather not live. But I don’t get that choice.
I am the mom to a little boy who lives in heaven, and today, six months ago, my sweet baby boy left my world and went to be with my Jesus. He left a gaping hole in my heart, and the hearts of many. A hole that wont ever be “fixed” or “filled”, but a hole that I know will eventually heal. Scarred, maybe ugly, but it will heal one day.
But you know, the funny thing about God, is that as much tragedy as He will allow, He will also bring that much healing and more. I know this because He tells me in His word. I know this because if you look at stories throughout the Bible, He proves it.
Everyone always defaults to Job. He was blessed; then, the good in his life was taken away, and then returned “tenfold” according to scripture.
What about Hannah?
In 1 Samuel 1, there was a man, who had two wives, Penniniah and Hannah. Scriptures talk of “all” of Penneniah’s sons and daughters. Then there is Hannah, who couldn’t have children, though that was what she desired most in her heart. She prays, and asks God for a child. But here’s the key, to me.. Hannah promised to give her child back to God, if she was blessed with one. What a selfless act. Think of obtaining the most valuable thing you could imgine after years of struggle and pain over it…only to willlingly give it back to God. People thought she was crazy, speaking without words. But God heard her. Later, it says that she was blessed with a son, Samuel. And at the end of 1 Samuel 1, it says Hannah followed through and gave her son back to God. Hannah got to see, throughout her life, how God would use her son for His good. It was Samuel who would one day anoint David as king. And little did Hannah know, but she would be in the family line of Jesus. She suffered, and yet she was blessed because of her faith in her times of suffering.
What about David?
He was anointed king by Samuel and then had to go into hiding for years, until Saul died. His son died, and he went through grief and loss. David struggled.We see it all throughout the Psalms. We see the peaks of God’s blessings in David’s life and the pits of David’s despair. In fact, in many of the Psalms where he starts out in despair, we see him still finishing in praise to God. He always came back to God.
David points out that praise isn’t to be given to God when we see results we like or approve of. Praise is to be given to God preemptively, based on our faith that we know He will make good come of even this, in His timing, and in His ways.
Job, Hannah & David are far from a complete list of people throughout God’s word who endured trials and suffering, grief, loss, pain…and then blessing and healing again. They’re just the ones that came to mind today.
And here’s what I’m learning…God is here, even in the times of suffering. He will use our suffering for His joy and His glory one day. Maybe we will see that day, and maybe we won’t. But it must not affect our faith in God either way. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely “fixed”. In fact, I’m a long way from there. The pain is still present. And so is my faith.
People tell me that one day, the memories will be there without this pain. I don’t know if that’s true, but I hope so.
Part of me cant believe that 180 days have passed, while another part of me feels like it happened moments ago. But I’m starting to find my “new normal”. It’s strange and unfamiliar, living a life without your child. Its not what I would have ever thought it would look like, but then again, I never planned on having to create a “new normal”.
I just know that I’ve had the same Jesus walking by my side moment by moment and day by day as I tread through these deep waters, this deep pain. And that is how I have arrived here, today.
I have a Jesus who loves my son infinitely. Verse upon verse throughout the Old and New Testament tell of God’s love for us. The stories tell of God’s love for all his children, including his son, Jesus. My God gave up his son willingly, to die, for ME. How humbling. I cant say that if God had asked me to give up my son willingly, I’d have jumped at the chance. In fact, I’d probably have come up with every excuse in the book as to why I should keep my son here. Does that make me a bad Christian? I hope not. I think it makes me human. It reminds me that He is God, and I am human.
It’s only because God’s son, Jesus, died on the cross, that my son can be with him right now. The fact that Jesus died on the cross takes on a whole new meaning to me, now that I have a child that lives in heaven instead of here. In fact, I have two. I have one child that has been there for 5 years of my life, And I have one, who would be turning 6 months old today.
Six months of time doesn’t change missing my sons. What they say, “Time heals everything”… well its far from true. Time doesn’t heal, after all, its Jesus that does the healing. Time just proves that life will move on, eventually.
In the meantime, I know my sweet boy is being loved on, snuggled, cared for in ways better than I could have ever done, or even imagined. He’s loved beyond measure. His lullabies are sung by the same Angels that announced Baby Jesus’ birth 2000 years ago. He knows nothing bad. He’s carried by Jesus his entire life, for all eternity. And, because of my faith, I have that same Jesus, who cradles my baby in his arms, also cradling me.