Grief and Loss

Coffee Time

So not too long ago, I was half-heartedly browsing at a store, and turned and saw this quote on a picture frame… And loved it. 

“Some things we hold on to forever.”

Seven words that were exactly the justification I needed to hear about holding on to my son.  

That it was OK. 

And then I saw this: 

Yes… The same quote on a coffee mug ( I love coffee!) 

And I bought it. It was one of those purchases that you don’t even look on the bottom of the cup for the price- you just Know it is coming home with you. Period. End of story. Explain the craziness to your husband later. You must buy it. 

(And I am really frugal so I always check the price…)

And can I say that from my $14.95 purchase…has come healing. A coffee mug that encourages me. A coffee mug that brings a moment of joy into my day just by sitting there. A coffee mug that makes me take time for me. A coffee mug that reminds me that it is OK to hold on to him. 

I sit… and I have my “coffee time” and look out over our raindrop garden and think of my sons.  I sit and I read and seek guidance through Gods word and from other mothers similar to myself. I sip my coffee and feel it warm my throat on those cool mornings… And I am still. I reflect. I listen.  I sit… And I try to find  me  again. 

You see, those moments, they are sacred. 

It’s “coffee time”. Even my children here know that “coffee time” means that everything else (short of blood or missing fingers…) must stop. It’s rarely long, but those moments are critical to my healing. “Coffee time” is so much more than just coffee. It’s  me allowing myself to hold on to my son.

I look down and my eyes gaze over the sketch on my coffee mug, carefully watching and wondering how a picture so still can show such love for that little child. 

And I think “It is a moment… Captured in time… Forever. It is her moment. Her moment of holding on forever. Never having to let go. It is the moment we all want to go back to, but can’t .” 

And we all need moments. 

Moments to be reminded that it is OK to hold your son or daughter just as tightly- but in your heart instead of your arms. 

There are many a moment where our arms scream for our heart to share them with us” just once more!”

But our heart cannot return that sweet little baby to our arms. These little ones are forever engrained Ito the fibers of our heart. Woven within our being and knit into us, their mother. They are ours, held tightly, forever in our hearts.

“Some things you hold on to forever”

Society tries to convince us we are wrong, that holding on to them will only make the pain more. 

And I ask, is there really anything that could make it worse that not being able to hold and raise your  child? 

Is there anything worse than never hearing their voice, no fort roll over, no crawling, no building blocks, no rollers mates. No dropping them off at kindergarten. No awkward junior high dances, no first dates, no high school sports. No college fund, no wedding, no grand babies…

You didn’t just lose a child… You lost a future. 

So did I. 

Some things we hold on to forever.

And I am here as a fellow bereaved mama to tell you that it’s OK to hold on to them forever.

You don’t have to “let go”,”get over it”, or “move past this” 

Think of it mama- You get to live this. You get to move forward, versus move through this. 

You get to hold onto him/her forever. 

But let me say this, in the most kind and gentle way possible dear mama- hold on to them… But don’t let them hold on to you. 

Let me explain.

Cherish their memory, remember them, include them as much or as little as you need to in life…

But don’t let them hold you back from living. Live because of them. 

Find ways to live out their legacy through you. 

Hold onto them forever, but don’t let them hold on to you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s