Pain beyond words
Pain that makes your chest feel as if it will collapse inward.
Pain so deep that words don’t know how to define it.
Pain that brings back memories… so many memories
Flood waves of thought that overtake you and tumble you in a sea of emotions.
Pain that paralyzes you.
Makes you curl up in a fetal ball and never want to undo yourself.
Pain beyond anything.
This is the bereaved mothers response to what others term “good” news- a pregnancy announcement, the birth of a child- healthy & strong, a celebration of new life.
It shuts you down. Darkness floods areas that were finally seeing some light. And you feel like they did better than you because their child lives, while mine didn’t.
The ‘why’ questions come again. The mass of confusion and misunderstanding. And there you are, left hanging.
Yet not alone. People surround you but they cannot and will not be able to help. Not truly help. You have to hurt. You have to Find the hallelujah in even this on your own. This place where you don’t know how to pray, or what. This place where joy is impossible. Impossible for now.
Except that joy will someday, somehow be possible because of Jesus. My hallelujah may be broken…. But it will be existent.
But not now, no, not in this moment. For this moment the goal is simple survival. Reaching out to the only One that can help. And not even knowing how to reach, but rather opening myself to let Him in. Opening my heart and letting my Jesus hold it close.
Letting Him hold me close while I hurt. He lets me hurt curled in a ball in his hands. He lets the tears fall. He stokes my hair from my tear stained face and quietly kisses my forehead. He rubs my back as I drift to sleep between tears and is there when I awake, tears still streaming from my hurting eyes. He waits, while I grieve. He waits, while I hurt. He waits and He comforts. He is there even when I can’t feel Him close. he is there even when I don’t want Him close. He will not leave me. He has grace with me. He shows me a God version of patience and understanding. He lets me hurt so that one day He can heal me. After all, One can’t be healed without first knowing pain. He lets me be broken so that one day I can speak of my healing through Him and in Him.
But for today, it just hurts. Today I just can’t be strong. Today the tears just need to come.
And for today, that is OK.