Grief and Loss

No

 

“No.”
Two simple letters that can make or break a person. Build them up, or tear them down. Two letters that can make it a good day, or a crummy day.

No.

People ask me if “we will try again”… If we “want to have any more”… Or if we “are done now.”

How do you answer that? In a world that seems to swarm all around you incessantly, how are you supposed to make a clear decision regarding a child!?!

After all I don’t necessarily want another one… I wanted this one.  I still want this baby to hold in my arms today. Making a decision as to another child someday… Wasn’t even something I’d thought of. I was focused on raising this baby first.

Sadly, that will never be.

But my arms still feel empty. My arms still long to hold a small little body late at night when all you can hear is the clock ticking, and nurse him at my breast, and lay him down and watch his little chest rise and fall. But I think the thing I wish most for is putting my hand on his chest, and feeling his heartbeat. I never got to do that with my littlest one.

My answer was No.

And so on some ways I enjoy entertaining the idea of another baby. This time with idealistic thoughts of having him in my arms. This time of feeling his heartbeat and watching his little breaths in and out… If only…

And so no, I can’t say I want another child for the “right” reasons. Not necessarily.  I want what I wanted a year ago… Another tiny member of our family that lives in our house with us. I want those baby snuggles. I want a little baby brother or sister for my kiddos.

But my reasons do not matter in this decision because I trust that if and when it is Gods timing, another child will come our way… Or that door will be closed.

I pray it isn’t the latter.

I’m not ready for that… Not yet.

But, that being said, I don’t think I was ready for the “no” I got when my son Philip didn’t come home with me, when my 5 and 10 and 20 year goals and dreams shattered before my eyes.

To be honest, I’d like to have a “yes” sitting on my bathroom counter one day.

In the moments when I wait for the results, the emotions rose afresh within me. A part of me hopes for an unexpected “yes”… A “yes” that means I don’t have to decide to ‘try’ or ‘not try’, a “yes” that means that this must be Gods timing. A “yes” that (I would hope) would leave me with a new baby in our home -here.

Another part of me dreads the “yes.” It hopes for the “no”. The feelings arise reminding me of how emotionally crazy I still am and how I don’t feel like I’m ready for a pregnancy and new child now. It brings to mind all the fears and pains of trying to do this after losing my last to stillbirth. It feels too fresh… And in these moments I regret giving the test the opportunity to give me a “yes”… and I hope (and pray) for the “no”.

And then it comes… My “no”.

I should rejoice. I should be glad. That fear that started to arise within my throat… can now subside. I got my “no”. Except that “no” brings less peace than I’d hoped for. It brings dissapointment. It brings sadness. It brings hopelessness; A feeling of failure. The “no” breaks my heart again. I feel as if God is saying “no. Not this time”… And my mind wanders and finishes the sentence with “…maybe not ever”. And the crushing weight of that thought just about ruins me in that moment.

Why?  It doesn’t make sense.

Exactly…

So how do I find contentment even I the”No” times of my life?

I don’t have the answers. It’s a rather difficult question to find a single answer to. And it’s an answer that I think, at least for me, God has to answer in His timing.

I need to find contentment in these moments -the “no” moments-knowing that in Gods timing, maybe I’ll understand more or better. And learn how to  be content in this “no”, even if reason never comes.

I don’t like the”no” moments any more than you do. They are usually inconvienient. They usually don’t make sense. And they rarely follow “my plan”.

But sometimes, a “no” in one place of my life allows a”yes” in another. Though  there is ambiguity in many “no’s”, occasionally clarity comes with them.

Did you think that maybe your “no” here allows a “yes” somewhere else in your life?

I didn’t, not at first. I still don’t, always. But I try. I try to find God even in my “no’s” of life… Because somewhere… He is there, even in the “no’s”. 

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