Grief and Loss

The Lonely Alone

There are the days where you just sit. You don’t really think. Your mind can’t focus to read or to do something productive. You only sit. You be. You are. 

It’s an odd feeling of your world stopping and you feeling so alone. Part of its comforting- to find silence amidst chaos. Part of its terrifying- to be stuck in silence so far from the chaos. 

You move, but you don’t feel it.

You eat, but you don’t taste it.

You smile, but you don’t feel it. 

You exist, but you don’t feel alive. 

Nothing motivates you.

Only pain and hurt can crack the emotional wall you’ve placed around your heart.

You exist, but you aren’t living. 

Maybe these moments of existence are what we need for healing. Though it doesn’t feel like it, perhaps some truth rings in this supposition. Maybe we need our world to stop every so often so that we can heal. So we can put another piece in the puzzle. Maybe it’s just moving some previously placed puzzle pieces around. Readjusting. Maybe it’s finding and holding a puzzle piece that we never thought we would be able to pick up ever again… But there we are, holding it with our palm open, our eyes staring at it with disbelief. 

Maybe we need these moments where life stops. Where time pauses. Where everything has to wait and nothing is  important enough to break the barrier… Maybe this is exactly what we need. 

It’s so often such an awkward feeling, going through these- where you exist in the world, but don’t feel it. You see people surrounding  you who feel excitement or anger or bitterness or saddness or joy or fear…but not you. To you, life is like watching from the outside of a window. You see it… But you don’t feel it.  People make a joke and are keeling over trying not to run to the bathroom… And you can see the humor in it, but the laughter is as far from your lips as Hawaii is from Alaska. Someone gets a new job, graduates from school, gets engaged or married… They smile ear to ear… and you eek out a weak half smile. Their excitement is so foreign to you now. Sometimes it feels like you don’t know how to be excited anymore. Happiness seems so far away. So often it makes you think of just how low your life is right now… And threatens to drag you even lower.

And you realize in those moments… How alone you are. 

At least, in this world. 

I know that God is beside me through all this. Yet it is in these moments that He seems to be silent to me so often. I suspect He is working in ways that are so far above me I couldn’t begin to understand. He allows the stillness to come, and I to relish in it.  

Though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t often relish in the stillness. I sit, anxious about how long I’ll have to sit. How long I’ll have to be still. Wondering a whole lot of “why” around all the stillness…

It is in these moments that He allows me to truly “Be Still & Know…”

“Know what?” You ask…

Sometimes I don’t even know… But I know He’s there and I know it’s for a purpose. 

And maybe that’s all I need to know. Maybe that’s all I could really handle knowing. 

That God is there even in these dark moments. 

God is there even when I don’t want Him to be. Even when I don’t ask Him to be.

Because He loves me… He loves you …beyond any human understanding… For one reason. You. 

Knowing that I am loved and I will be taken care of. That I can be still and just know that God has got this. To know that I can rest. I can be ‘out of it’ and that I can blockade myself for this time so that I can focus on healing. So that He can heal me more…heal me better. 

And sometimes I just need to sit, and be. Be whatever I need to or want to or feel like being. Scream, sit, stand, run, go, stay. But I must find a way Edit(eventually) to let my world stop… and my healing begin. 

And find a way to let Him in and let Him love me – even in the “all alone.”

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