The lump in my throat came back.
The healing stitches of my heart split wide open again and pain flowed endlessly out again.
Overwhelming pain engulfed me like a wave in the sea.
Questions again filled my mind as to how this all happened? How did it really all happen?
Yet there it was, final as final can be, staring me coldly in the face… reminding not me that my son was gone forever from this home. My home.
There was no more pretending that this was all a bad dream anymore.
There it sat. Simple. Beautiful . A true work of art. Art that I had drawn. Designs I had carefully crafted in my journal now engraved into granite that would never be the same.
It reminded me of how my heart was once smooth, peaceful, strong- or so it seemed.
And then my son died.
And a groove was cut-A deep, inexplicably painful, agonizing cut into my soul.
My heart would never be smooth like glass again. The polish was gone from that spot in my heart and a different color emerged. A different texture so harshly different from the one that used to be there. My heart forever changed.
And then I learned of this concept of grief and began to grieve over him, and I learned I was allowed to grieve my other son from 5 years before.
And more grooves dug into my finely polished heart. Deep grooves, uneven grooves. They left no part of my sacred heart untouched, unaltered.
I stood in the mirror and hardly recognized who I was.
Time passed. Healing continued. Jesus filled some grooves in and allowed others to break through my heart even deeper still.
And then just when we found hope again, we lost her.
And it felt like my heart shattered.
How could I ever heal completely with all these scars across my heart? With all this hurt and pain dug so deeply into me?
Was I ugly for having these ‘scars’?
I wondered. I truly did. I certainly felt ugly.
How do you accept yourself when the woman staring back at you in the mirror looks so incredibly different than what you used to know?
My Philip was forever carved into my heart. And my Jedd. And my Hope.
Would I have to make room for more? I still can’t stand the thought….I always prayed, “no more Jesus….No more pain like this. No more grooves. It hurts too much. It changes me too much. I can’t be beautiful looking so broken”
But you see He forms His beauty in us through us being broken.
He carves beauty from those grooves and scars our hearts now hold. He connects the grooves to make a beautiful image of Himself there. He shows us how these grooves in our hearts will fill another mama’s groove in her heart.
He shows us that our deep pain can bring deep healing.
He takes cold, harsh grooves that have been sliced forever into us, into our hearts and lives and split us open and left us exsanguinating pain and grief…and turns them into His artwork. His handiwork. His beauty.
He makes the broken you into the beautiful you.
And then He shines his healing light through those broken cracks so that all those around you can see that there is light and hope in Him even in the midst of such darkness.
His light can heal your broken and make it into beautiful. Not polished, not ‘what it was’ but something so much more incredible than we ever had planned for ourselves…We just have to let him.