Grief and Loss

Shattered

There I lay…
Shattered.

A million pieces on a cold cement floor.

Moments passed. Then hours. Days came and went. Months droned on.

And there I lay, not sure what to do next.

How do you put a million pieces back together?

You can’t.

But God can.

What I’ve been learning though, is that He seems to rearrange some of the pieces so that you come out different, perhaps resembling the person you used to see in the mirror… but oh so incredibly different.

You love beyond depths you used to know.

You have learned what “let go & let God”  really  means.

You have learned that not all pregnancies end “happy”.

You have learned the delicacy of life.

You have learned what really  matters and how many things in life really do not matter at all.

You’ve learned what inexplicable brokenness feels like.

Yet, it was in my shattered state,  that I learned Completeness.

Logically, that doesn’t make sense.

But then, we live in an illogical life these days. After all, we were never supposed to have to bury our child or plan their funeral either… right?

But, praise Jesus that our God is not a logical Being but an illogical, all-knowing one who can see the end of our story.  He knows that when the million pieces come together, we will come to be the next best version of ourselves. His best version for us.

He doesn’t need logic.

He just needs me- all million pieces.

And thats not to say that we won’t grieve our ‘old’ self.  After all, innocence, once lost, can never be regained. And though we wish we never knew the truth, sometimes there is great value in losing innocence and gaining insight into just how valuable each life truly is, regardless of its length. 

My life was shattered.

My heart was shattered.

My relationships were shattered.

The future I’d planned for was shattered.

The life I’d been living… in a million pieces on the floor.

Danny Gokey sings  the song “Tell your heart to beat again”  (you can listen  Here) and the lyrics are as follows:

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again
(Written by Matthew West, Bernie Herms, Randy Phillips • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Capitol Christian Music Group)

Shattered.

Unspeakable brokenness.

Yet those million pieces each hold potential for the “you” that will become. There is joy and there are smiles, there is sorrow and pain, growth and light. There is strength and courage hidden in each of those million broken pieces within that space in our chest that allows us to love beyond the broken.

We don’t want to be broken. We don’t want to have to clean up a mess of sharp, painful glass shards all over a cold cement floor.  It wasn’t our plan. We don’t understand the why  behind the million pieces all over the floor.

To begin clean it up, it means we will be uncomfortable. We will have to bend down to a place we aren’t used to. Take time we hadn’t planned to spend here, and start picking them up one by one. We may take longer with some pieces then others, for each piece holds a sacreddness of memories – whether gained or lost. We may begin and have to stop when the aches overcome us. We may sweep gently while watering the ground with unstoppable tears. We may sit and ponder just how we will we will ever get this all cleaned up. In many moments, it will seem impossible. It does seem impossible.

Then one day, we may feel finished. We may think we’ve finally gotten all the pieces; and then one day, as we are trying to learn to walk again…our foot will find a hidden glass shard. And it will be painful and frustrating. And, once again, we will have to bend down and deal with the pain of removing that glass shard from our foot. Because if we don’t, we will continue to carry that pain and it will dig deeper and deeper into our souls causing greater hurt, until one day it becomes unbearable and we have no option but to sit down and take it out.

Sometimes, as the song lyrics read, we have to “tell  {our} heart to beat again”.   Because scars leave pain behind.  And a heart so scarred, so broken, is going to hurt. And we wish we didn’t have to know that pain. But we must find strength within ourselves to try. we must find a way for our heart to beat again, even in the pain. Even if we have to tell our heart to beat, one slow, steady beat at a time.

We are shattered.  Beyond broken. At times, seemilgly irreparable.

Yet it is in that shattered state that new beauty can develop. New completeness…a completeness we could have never imagined or comprehended before becoming a million pieces on a cold cement floor.

It is in that place of being broken beyond our  repair that we can begin to let God begin His  repair, His rebuilding, of the new us, His best version of us.

And, in the shattered, we can finally find {in a totally before-uncomprehended sense} completeness as we begin again, because despite the scars and the pain and the pieces that will forever remain missing in the “complete” picture of us…  “Love’s healing hand has pulled us through”.

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