Grief and Loss · Life after Loss

Going Forward

Today it dawned on me…
I can’t stay in the past, although parts of me SO wish that I could stay there forever, in those moments of experiencing him.

I am realizing life moves on and if I don’t move, albeit slowly, with it, i’m going to miss the life that I have left after Philip.
I’m going to miss Living. 
Every day he’s here with me in my heart and in moments and in the little eyes that look up to me. I see him in their eyes, I see him in their ears and their noses. I see them  hug his bear and realize he’s a part of their lives, and always will be. Every progression that my new little baby in my arms makes, reminds me of the things that I missed with my Heaven babies. 

 Yet I’m starting to realize that my arms and my heart will forever ache, whether I wait… or whether I move. 

It hurts, but pain is something that is anything but new in my day-to-day life.
But you already know that. 
I doubt I’ll live a day of my life here on earth without experiencing any sort of pain. I don’t see that as a bad thing though, because the pain means they existed. They were important. their lives mattered… and continue to.  
There is a reason that I’m here and they are not.
There is a reason I am still alive, because there is a life left for me to live honoring their legacy.
I am long past the days of hoping or wishing or expecting people to understand the life you live after the loss of a child. The life where everything seems backwards  & life seems to zoom by and stand still at the same time.

 I am at a point where I have learned to move, I have learned to enjoy the moments that I do have, and never bank on any extras. My faith hopes that there are more moments, but I know all too well that the guarantee of tomorrow is so futile.
Life is a series of “If’s” that can never be answered. 
So I am going forward…

marching along with feet that hurt, a heart that breaks, arms that remember, carried by a God who loves me despite the broken sorry mess that I am.
Yet my eyes look forward. 
I will stumble. I will fall. I’ll make wrong turns. and I might turn around and run right back to where I started one day. 

I don’t expect simple. I expect complicated. 

 l will never just “move on”, and just leave my heaven babies in the past. 

They will come with me in every moment, in every breath I have yet to breathe this side of heaven. Sometimes they will cause me to need to turn around, or stop for a while, or just sit and be still… and be with them.

The kids I have here are a blessing, a blessing that I don’t want to miss when I do have the opportunity to experience them in this living life.

I am realizing that not everyone gets this chance. And though I don’t have all my babies with me I have these ones here that I hold in my arms that need to be held. They need to know love and experience the mama that I wish I could’ve given to my heaven babies. 
I’m going on, moving forward, yet never forgetting.
I am living …
Because today, that’s what I can do. 

Maybe not tomorrow, or next week,

 but on the days that I can live, I’m going to try… for them. 

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