I am tired.
Really, really, really tired.
I know most reading this can relate to that statement. The kind of 3 word sentence that says it all, requires no further explanation and is usually followed by a deep sigh of exhaustion.
You feel it physically. You feel it emotionally. You feel it relationally. You feel it in your soul… just tired. So so tired.
Tired of trying to live when a part of your heart has died.
Tired of trying to “move forward” when your soul screams “STOP! Don’t leave him behind!” and the incessant toil that your soul struggles with day in and day out…for weeks, months, and suddenly it’s been years and you have no idea how it’s been “this long”.
Tired of never being able to be truly, innocently happy for anyone who announces a pregnancy… because you know that the worst “what if” can happen, and it happens to the people that “never thought it could happen to them”… because it happened to you- to me.
Tired of going when all you want to do is stop.
Tired of running in day to day life and always feeling like your running away form something that you long to cling close to your heart.
Tired of feeling lost, disillusioned, and like time is constantly leaving you in the dust. Yet the days seem so long.
Tired of being unfocused and tired of being frustrated all the time.
Tired from lack of physical sleep or rest all while trying to find emotional rest.
Tired of so many thinking “at least you’re over it”- when you know you’ll never be. Not really. (And no- this rainbow baby will never ever replace my heaven babies. Though some seem to think so.)
Tired… so, so tired.
Tired of the pain your heart aches with hour by hour.
Tired of the missed memories and the never-to-be moments.
Tired of your heart hurting more than anyone else can understand.
Tired of being able to relate to people who talk about loss and grief and know what they mean when “you’re hurting so bad you can’t even pray…” just knowing that place exists and how dark it can be…makes me even more tired.
My soul is tired.
I need a refresh.
How do I find the energy to search for a refresh when I can barely find the time or energy or motivation to do much of anything else besides simply to exist?
I find my strength in Christ alone.
I trust that He will strengthen me in my weakest of moments.
And I strive to know that He uses ALL things, including this struggle, for His good.